Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have enough leather watches, you can buckle them all together and make a belt, but that would be a waist of time.

   Q. What are the two most frequented words the groom will say after he says "I do?" A. "Yes, dear."

   The secret to keeping a clean house is done by clicking on the last option under settings on Facebook.

   Stop being a butthole. There. Now I’m your life coach.

   Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?, I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

   I'm a hot guy. Even Lesbos like me.

   And the destruction of your country continues as we're watching from the sidelines. - Mr Burns voice - "Excellent".

   I was fighting with my wife when she said..."Your family isn't even human! They're more like a venereal disease!" I told her, "You better not say that to my sis, Phyllis!!

   Dear Newsy, If you keep playing old news stories on repeat its no longer called Newsy, it's called History.

   Today is 2/366. This is a leap year, which means the earth gave you an extra day to make things how you want.

   My girl is such a good cook that even the fire alarm cheers her on!

   So if the Eagles play a concert at the stadium in Philadelphia, how do people know if they're going to a concert or a football game?

   A loan officer put a stack of his business cards on a shelf in the grocery store’s egg section.

   I should have known better than to flush my wooden shoes down the toilet. Now, it's clogged.

   OK... A GUY WHO ACTS LIKE HE'S SLASH ON STAGE BUT HE'S NOT VERY GOOD SO I CALLED HIM BACK SLASH ... AND I'M AN A$$HOLE ..

   Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores. I'm sure they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less.

   Good morning, l*fticles... let the meltdown begin!

   I have come to the conclusion I will never achieve my dream of being a Soul Train dancer...

   Do you think that Chinese tourists that come here are disappointed when they buy a souvenier and then see where it was made?

   So, the CIA can hack into my TV and listen to every word I say, but McDonald’s can’t hear me say “no pickles,” through their drive-thru speaker?