Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Has anyone lived long enough to buy a second bottle of Worcestershire Sauce?

   EVERY TIME I visit a website, I click Accept cookies. I have yet to receive a single cookie and I'm getting sick and tired of the lies.

   it just me or do you think there's something terribly wrong with YouTube playing a 30 second commercial from their sponsor before watching a How to operate a fire extinguisher during an emergency video?

   There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those losers has decided to become Batman

   What do I do all day long? Sometimes, it takes me all day to get nothing done.

   I really think it's time to take the warning labels off everything and let stupidity work itself out of the gene pool.

   Dear diary... Today my friends asked me to go on a 5 mile run. So I made a list of things I'll need. 1. New friends.

   Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says "Is this whiskey?" Elmer says "Yeth, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!"

   If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?

   How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh? Nothing it’s on the house!

   Famous M*G* influencer and frequent F*x News guest, Ricci Wynne, has been arrested and charged with s** trafficking and producing child s***al ab*se material with at least two m*nors. ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER M*G* FREAK CHARGED WITH M*****ING KIDS.

   I don’t date anymore I just foster women until they find their forever homes

   If your hands don’t look like you just delivered a baby after eating ribs, you just didn't eat them right.

   Instead of "lol", try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol". Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud...

   My home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with all the eyes cut out.

   Maybe money can't buy happiness, but I think it's only fair to give me some and let me learn that lesson myself.

   If I make you breakfast in bed, all I need is a simple, "Thank you". Not all this, "How did you get into my house?" nonsense.

   The worst thing to step on in the dark is someone else's foot when you live alone.

   If you don't like Led Zeppelin, you're some kind of asshole.

   There is no need for Rolling Stones tribute bands. The real Stones are bad enough.