Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.

   My favorite thing about naps is that I don't have to talk to people during them

   When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

   I haven't crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don't care what I think.

   Seriously! It should be a lot harder to find people for the show 16 and Pregnant. . . Teens, maybe you should find a different hobby?

   Deleting your Facebook account is a quick way to find out what people will say at your funeral.

   Hearing your legs creaking as you get into the standing split pose in yoga class is a sure way of telling people that you havent been laid in a while

   Irony is people complaining about Facebook's privacy settings when every other update is about their weekly visit to their gynecologist.

   Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. WHY?

   Don't worry about what other people think because they rarely ever do.

   Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

   The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

   People who go to the liquor store and buy a pint of whiskey are poor planners… what are you going to drink tomorrow?

   Thirty five people died from eating cantaloupe in Jan. And that,, right there, should be this years new slogan for Krispy Kreme.

   Fate puts different people in our path. It's up to us to determine if they are keepers or creepers.

   When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.

   There are two kinds of people in this world, and I don't like them.

   Some people pride themselves on their hard work. I pride myself on doing so little and yet keeping my job.

   There's few things more satisfying than putting eletrical tape over the sensors of automatic doors and watching people walk right into them.....muhahahahaha

   I just got home from the convenience store where I saw two homeless people making out. It was gross so I was about to yell "Get a Room", luckily I caught myself just in time