Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   If exercise eliminates excess fat how come some people have double chins?

   Only people who buy Corvettes are 40 year olds fearing mid life and his wifes social disabilities. Buy a real car.

   Why people diss Wal-Mart? Is it so great that it has the most number of haters?

   Only rich people can figure out a way to die on the Titanic 111 years later.

   Also, never seen anyone wear a "build back better" shirt, or bombard their cars with bumper stickers. Or bombard their homes with flags. But, that's what you would expect from the non- psychotic people.

   I just read that people eat more bananas than monkeys. Makes sense to me. I've never eaten a monkey.

   Some people on this planet are why we don't have a Waffle House on the Moon!

   Snow and cold weather does NOT mean there is no Climate Change. How stupid can people be

   My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

   Today at Walmart, in the only two checkouts open I yelled "Omaha" and my friend and I tackled pass the fat people old people and kids right to the front of the line!

   Why would people send a friend request, without saying a word? It's almost like sitting on the train and staring at the stranger's eyes for 20 minutes...SMH

   Every day Stephen King and I both: 1. Get up 2. Terrify People 3. Tweet

   It is sad that jokes about Brandon are about the only witty things some people ever say. Even then, it isn't even that witty since they apply to both of the latest presidents.

   I tell people my ass is tight because I work out when in actuality it's from all the squatting in the woods.

   Due to the sensitivity of some people on Faceboo, here is a list of uncomfortable subjects will not joke about:................................................................................................................................ Still here?

   The police came by to tell me that my dogs have been chasing people on bicycles. I said, “My dogs don’t even own bicycles!”

   I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

   Trump is telling 59,000 Haitians, currently living legally in the United States, to self-deport. Whats even more mind boggling is you people see nothing wrong with that? Why is he on a mission to target blacks???

   Sometimes when drunk I sleep in a ditch. Doesn’t make me love my bed any less. Actually makes me love it more. See? Cheating isn’t evil.

   Lesson one: Only trust people who like big butts...They cannot lie!