Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   The church squeezes money out of the people by promising them happiness in the next life if they accept misery and exploitation this one.

   True Christian values below. Wish death to everyone who disagrees with you. No wonder you people think Trump is holier than the Pope.

   Before any President of America visits any foreign country, he relies on CIA intel for his security while abroad. I am not trying to put any ideas in CIA people's head but...

   Cookie Monster: People ask me what me favorite kind of cookie, but me no can choose! Me equal opportunity eater.

   Guns don't kill people. Bullets do!

   I went through three magazines on the train yesterday. I'd killed a dozen people before they managed to wrestle the gun off me

   wishing people would stop sending me crap! I have enough stuff to do

   I am way too stoned to drive drunk officer .

   Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

   I'm not always sarcastic. Sometimes I am just drunk.

   Money can buy the f*ck out of happiness. Anyone who tells you otherwise has small genitals because people with small genitals say weird stuff.

   Why do people insist on riding your front bumper going to work? Yeah, like they are going to get to where they're going any faster....

   “I can't wait to drunk text this girl who doesn't give a sh*t about me.” - ALCOHOL

   How I hate people who initiate a conversation and don’t continue with it.

   Sometimes when I see a married couple, it appears to me like two people joined together to become one desperately boring person.

   If people are judged by the company they keep, then I'm in trouble. I've been hanging around with myself way too much.

   apparently people don't know how to read mayan in very well. it never said the world would end however I believe it said Wisconsin would close

   You know what is really sad? When the only thing smart about some people is either their mouth or their phone.

   When will women ever learn? Never hold a man to anything he says when he is drunk. It's the alcohol talking and it will wear off. And he will just claim amnesia when he sobers up.

   I Escaped from the island of Misfit people..