Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   People should be tested for emissions. They’re exhausting.

   Me: What do you want to do tonight? Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and — Me: *already asleep*

   I can’t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.

   You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

   I may have done quite a number of bad things in my life... But never tagged 49 people just to get 9 likes

   Hey Trump, if you want to tax something, tax luxury cars, rolex's diamonds, etc. Regular people can't afford another gas tax.

   Hey, I know. Let's make it real hard for people to murder other people.

   My wife says I'm the kind of person she has to warn people about in advance and apologize for afterwords.

   You know how people duck when they walk under helicopter blades? I don't.

   what do you call a group of short people on a merry-go-round? ...a midget spinner

   Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

   I see Black Friday is coming up and wondering who profits the most on that day? The people who are smart enough to stay home feeling thankful for everything they have the day after Thanksgiving?

   I'm thankful I won't have to go push and shove people on Black Friday the day after telling everyone on Facebook how thankful I was for everything I have.

   I'll never understand why people name their kids after 80's action heroes. Sorry, but I have more class than that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make a conference call to my sons Michelangelo, Donatello, Raphael and Leonardo.

   I can't believe we still have 364 days till Christmas and people already have their lights up.

   People think I’m stupid because I have a lisp. You know what? I’m thick of it..

   Tostitos is coming out with a limited-edition bag that actually doubles as a breathalyzer. Here's how it works: If you're breathing into a bag of Tostitos, you're probably drunk.

   NASA is currently recruiting people for their rest studies program in which participants will be paid $18,000 to spend 70 days in bed and smoke different types of marijuana. so far, they've had 1 billion applicants.

   One day we'll all be just a memory in people's lives, the trick is to make sure you do everything humanly possible to be a good memory. By, The cashier at Chipotle

   And suddenly people don't wonder any more if your living life to the fullest or have completely given up when you walk into the supermarket wearing pajamas.