Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   I only brush the teeth that people can see...which is none, because smiling is a sign of weakness.

   At anger management classes in Canada, they teach people to apologize less sharply.

   Call me old fashioned, but leaving a 6 minute drunk voice mail at 3 am is romantic.

   Hold your horses is my favourite thing to say to people who don't even have horses.

   Judging by my news feed this week, people are outraged by the amount of recent killings AND trespassing on personal property from Pokémon GO players. Stop the madness, people!

   Drunk Books: Where The Wild Things Are Dancing On Tables.

   Oxygen was discovered in 1772.... what did people breathe before then?

   People are playing Pokemon and Scott Baio is relevant again while I'm over here deciding when to see that new movie "Titantic."

   So drunk last night. When I walked across the dance floor to get another drink I won the dance competition.

   Jill Stein and Jenny McCarthy walk into a bar. They spend the entire night trying to talk people out of doing shots.

   why do people say" I know you like the back of my hand"? who really knows anything about the back of their hand?

   This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.

   Good thing about electing Hilary is that when she screws up, people will say it could have been worse if we had elected Trump.

   Heres an idea band-aid people: Clear band-aids so you dont have to keep taking them off to show people your cuts.

   Celebrating 100 years of people getting false news on the Internet.

   Sad people are fun to hang out with. They always have snacks around.

   Always hope I'm the first person somebody calls when they need help moving so they have more people to call when I decline.

   Meteorologists advising people in path of hurricane to tie down things that can be picked up by winds, i.e. stray dogs, hookers, and vagabonds.

   People ask to meet for coffee so they can pick my brain almost every week. If you don’t want to pay for consultancy I don’t have a brain.

   When people on Facebook ask a stupid question, and then say "Go!"...that's usually what I do...I GO!...Ain't none of us got time to stick around and answer your rhetorical questions..it's probaby time for you to get a companion pet.