Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Comedy died out a few years back because too many people were being offended by it.

   We’re churning out a generation of poorly educated people with no skill, no ambition, no guidance, and no realistic expectations of what it means to go to work.

   Maybe your final stage of healing is telling people to f*!k off.

   Why are you listening to broken headphones? So, people don’t talk to me.

   Social media has made too many of you comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the mouth for it.

   No matter how good your heart is, eventually you start to treat people the way that they treat you.

   Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

   Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

   If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

   I’m in BIG trouble if people find out I don’t really have Tourette’s.

   Why can’t there be a virus that makes people smarter.

   I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

   No matter how bad your life is, just remember, people out there are worried about the gender of a plastic potato.

   When I’m behind a slow car, I steer my car a little to the right so people behind me can see that it’s not my fault.

   I love when people ask, “How’s a person like you single?” I’m mentally ill.

   People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

   Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

   If I choke to death on gummy bears I hope people will just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

   Back in my day, there was so much toilet paper, people used to string it up in the trees of their enemies.

   Last month people were marching to arm citizens in Europe. Last week people were marching to kill babies with abortion. Now people are marching to take guns away to save children. Can you please make up your minds?