Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   would like to thank Facebook for reacquainting me not just with old friends but also with people I never liked much in the past and for reminding me why in the present.

   A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I'd go out to dinner with my parents.

   I absolutely HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT! Throw my head back and SHOUT!

   I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it

   stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house but two people died...

   Modern tragedy... Dumb people with smartphones

   surrounded by askholes today... yes, "askholes" as in people who constantly ask you stupid questions.

   When I die, I want my tombstone to have free WiFi, that way people visit more often

   If people winked in real life as much as they wink in texts, the world would be an extremely creepy place. ;)

   A nice way to fire people is by throwing them a surprise going away party.

   Just once when the trainer asks one of the background people in the workout video how he's doing, I want him to respond: "I'm exhausted - you're a fu*king lunatic"

   There are some people in this world... When they ask you for advice because they did something wrong... You just wanna say " If I were you... I would just go ahead and punch myself in the face for being that stupid to begin with..."

   Have you ever noticed how some people just won't stop texting even after you shoot them the one word answers repeatedly?

   Religion is like a buffet. People take what they like and ignore the rest..

   The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for half an hour...

   When the government fears the people, it's called Liberty. When the people fear the government, it's called Tyranny.

   The people who need firecracker safety tips aren't the people who read firecracker safety tips.

   People that wear sunglasses inside, have to.......because it's always sunny in Doucheville.

   People with a sense of humor are so much easier to talk to and get along with.

   I rarely slip and fall, but when I do, I do it in front of a lot of people.