Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Sitting at the window with my dog watching people go by outside and barking at them

   Message to Veterinarians: If people are stealing prescription meds from their pets, maybe you should stop prescribing Oxycontin to goldfish.

   Don't be afraid to cut people off-Lorena Bobbitt

   Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus. I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.

   Worried about social distancing when you're out? Dress up as a clown and make it other people's problem

   There is nothing wrong with saying no every once in awhile. It may piss a few people off but at least you will have some piece of mind!

   I don't try to annoy people; its just a gift.

   A taser, but for people who say, "everything happens for a reason."

   Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

   According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

   There are two kinds of people. People who will help me hide a body and people who ARE the body.

   I need a drunk texting buddy while I sit at home and drink by myself tonight

   You would be amazed how little you can trust people these days...

   You know how drivers convicted of DUI have those breathalyzer ignition locks? Some people need this for their smartphones, facebook, twitter, etc.

   Somepeople were born to be other people's cheerleaders and praise singers.

   Just realize its XXX Olympics. Why aren't the people naked when they get their medals??

   I just got down with *OPP. *Other People's Pizza. Sorry, Meg in accounting.

   The best thing about being an a$$hole is never having to worry if people like you, because the answer is always 'yes'.

   I love how some people ignore the train wreck that is my life and actually try to ask me for advice with a straight face.

   We were too drunk to have thanks giving day in Australia. So we just praise every day after the invention of alcohol.