Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can't wait until Weight Watchers releases its own line of booze

   When I start to trip and fall, I just turn it into a dance. "Sorry, can't control the funk."

   if you have trouble tying knots...handcuffs make the perfect gift

   It's not that I need a girlfirend its just that I was told I need some adult supervision. So getting a teenage sitters didn't qualify.

   thinks any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn't convenient at all.

   It is friggin' cold folks...feels like about 5 degrees with a shrinkage factor of ~9...well, at least for some of us...

   now on two diets...because she was still hungry after just one

   You know its going to be a bad week when you got a case of the Mondays on a Tuesday.

   Charlie Sheen stole Brett Favre's cell phone.

   At the grocery store tonight, I looked down into our basket and realized we live with old people. :(

   off to kill plants and zombies.

   thinks maybe Kanye should take his toys and go play with Joy Bahar. I'm sure she needs the ratings.

   I hate whoever invented 6:30 am

   What? Pale anti-social skinny white guys are now considered sexy! Thank you Twilight!!

   There are more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money.

   wonders if people in the porn industry are ever "In the mood"?

   Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.

   if I was the type of person who's day was ruined just by seeing a certain someone, then my day would be ruined quite often.

   "Not only do I not know what's going on, but I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did."

   Happy Fathers day to all the guys out there... (No not single moms) sorry ladies but you had Mothers Day and you will never replace a man as a dad so stop with the double dipping...