Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm anxiously awaiting my front row tickets to...what goes around comes around

   My imaginary friend is dating Manti Teo's ex-imaginary-girlfriend.

   You people freak me out talking about stalking. Especially you.... sitting there in your blue & white striped polo shirt reading that book on your couch.

   Plan for tonight: 1. get off work and drink till Monday. 2. figure the rest out later

   really bummed there was no wardrobe malfunction this year

   Nobody has criticized me yet today. I should call my ex-wife and say hello.

   Ants can lift fifty times their own body weight, but do they lift even one finger around the house? NO!

   When your girlfriend says "Oh HE is my best friend" your relationship is already over

   Let's just call a restraining order what it really is......a challenge

   Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

   This police sketch artist has no idea that he's about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.

   If your status update has been edited, there is a 95% chance I will browse through your mistakes before I read the actual update...

   Weird how it’s always the women with multiple muffin tops wearing the tightest tank tops money can buy

   Not listening to a single word you've said makes it impossible for you to run out of things to say to me.

   Ignorance begets overconfidence and it is harmful when these people are in positions of authority.

   if you see me eating salad in a restaurant, ive been kidnapped and I am trying to signal you

   There are a million different ways to say "I Love You": "Put your seat belt on", "Watch your step", "Did you eat?", "Get some rest". You just have to listen.

   Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.

   The police want to interview me. Strange....I didn't even apply for a job there.

   What does a grape say when it gets stepped on?...Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.