Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A bald Barbie? It's about time the drapes matched the carpet!

   can't figure out if that kid on American Idol is Milli or Vanilli?

   Girls don't fart. That sound you hear is actually baby unicorns being released into the world to sprinkle sugar on cookies.

   Ad on side of Facebook: "Interested in a masters in Philosophy?". A degree in philosophy is about as useful as a condom in Susan Boyle's bedside drawer. No thank you.

   All this learning to share crap when I was a child seems redundant when I'm supposed to have a monogamous relationship as an adult.

   Cleveland fans can order the new LeBron phone. It only vibrates because it doesn't come with a ring.

   I saw a guy today that had a bedazzled cell phone. I thought it was kinda gay..... but then thought he might have stolen the phone and he might be a thug. The whole thing confused me.

   I don't know why people say that pornography is degrading to women. They're not the ones sat in front of a laptop with their trousers and pants round their ankles at three o'clock in the afternoon. I like this!

   My parents used to tell me that if the ice cream man was playing his music it meant he had none left.....how cruel!!! and nmore-so why would he still drive into my street? just to taunt me!!??? I was an idiot child!!

   Born to shop, not to mop.

   Prefers the days when bustin' a cap was followed by a puff smoke and putting a new red roll in.

   Harry Reid is a cotton head ninny muggin

   officially have CDO. It's like OCD but all the letters are alphabetical order. AS THEY SHOULD BE.

   Finally warm enough to wash Old Man winters "money shot" off my car.

   When giving that special person a gift you said cost $3,000 from Tiffanys, it's probably a good idea to take off the price tag that says $3.50 from Walmart.

   the first step to failing is trying

   To the assclown who was driving the Prius in front of me earlier: The interstate DOES NOT HAVE a left turn lane. Not sure why it took you 23 miles to figure this out....

   wonders if there are gay terrorists. I bet they'd wear fancy explosive underwear.

   Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there's anything good, but nothing ever changes.

   wishes there was an app that let you reach threw the computer and slap people..