Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did I already do my deja vu joke?

   Got a paper cut and didn't cry this time...Damn it feels good to be a gangsta!

   I may be dumb, but at least I'm not …wait, what was I talking about?

   Letsh Have Shex! - Horny Sean Connery

   A cop stopped me and said "License please" so I offered him a donut and said "I donut have one" and we laughed and laughed and now I am behind bars.

   Jim H. kids: Dad, can we go to Disney World with Uncle Joe?

   My wife was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder… And, just my luck, not one of them likes sucking còk.

   as I'm getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who's staying on and say,, “You're in charge while I'm gone.”

   I'm not fat. My stomach is 3D

   Relationship status: DTF

   My wife said "what is wrong with you? You have recorded 17 episodes of Hoarders." I said "I know, don't you see the irony of it, I'm hoarding shows of Hoarding."

   I had a near-life experience...I nearly quit Facebook.

   I can't live without: ✔ Food ✔ Music ✔ Oxygen ✔ Water ✔ Internet ❒ You

   teens are getting drunk on Purell. But to be fair, it tastes better than Jagermeister.

   WTF is with the "poke" suggestions on Facebook? I just poked TWO guys, thinking that THEY poked ME first?

   That moment when you realize someone wasn't as great as you thought they were.

   Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire

   I LOVE my job!! Especially the part when I clock out and leave!!!

   Hey mom?” “WHAT!?” “Nevermind you`re not in a good mood.

   you know your cooking sucks when you gotta post todays menu on facebook for it to be appreciated.