Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Random Fact: Girls don't CARRY condoms in their wallets like men do... Instead, they HIDE them under the powder in their compacts. "LIKE" if you know this to be true.

   I celebrate Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invite everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we have an enormous feast, and then I kill them and take their land.

   Did a book report on facebook and passed.

   Call me Goofy...But I will always call "Margarine" "Butter"!!!

   Trust gets you killed. Love gets you hurt. Being real gets you hated.

   Easter: The day Jesus slapped YOLO in the face.

   A lot of people look up to me.....it's nice being tall.

   My Korean mate was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner........But someone let the cat out of the bag

   Ok my Guardian Angel, if you're out there, and if you're listening.. Please listen to this one: "I want to keep her, for life"

   wondering if its cool in China to get English words tattooed on their arms?

   Coffee so black the police plant evidence on it.

   Pays bills....... *Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity

   I wonder if Dr. Huxtable wrote his own prescriptions for roofies?

   Just because someone is "woke, it doesn't mean they're sentient.

   Rosie O'Donnell called Donald Trump "mentally unstable." Gee, Rosie. Has one of his children ever run away because of *his* mental instability?

   I thought about buying Hillary Clinton's latest book until Amazon suggested that people who bought this item also bought boots, plastic sheeting, lye, and shovels

   Voting for Hillary because you don't like Trump, is like eating a dog turd because you don't like broccoli....

   Hillary Clinton was Diagnosed on Friday with Highly Contagious Bacterial Pneumonia and has been out in public all weekend! Is there something about the words "Highly Contagious" that she and her "Doctors" don't understand? Well that's ObamaCare For ya!

   Valentines Day, Aint nobody got time for that!

   Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.