Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Politicians should serve two terms. One in office, one in prison

   Dear Karma:U haven't been comin' round lately... I understand if u're too busy but I heard you keep missin' the person i've been talkin' bout... WHY?

   just because you have one doesnt mean you have to act like one

   Tom Brady says he refuses to watch Hard Knocks. He doesn't need to watch. The Patriots tape the Jets practices anyway.

   Would you tap that???..I wouldnt even poke it on facebook!!!!

   The Skort, skirt in the front, shorts in the back; it's like a mullet for your ass

   someone says "brb shower" and BAM you imagine them naked!!!

   I'm Irish, give me a liver.

   I used to work for a factory that made fire hydrants, but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

   Pandas are in danger! we gotta do something!!

   I will respect any religion you practice as long as you don't knock on my door and tell me about it.

   Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.

   Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.....With a Hot Blonde and Winning Lottery Ticket!!.....DAMN!!! Didn't work again.....

   it me or has anyone else noticed that when you REALLY REALLY REALLY need to go to the bathroom, you are always somewhere where there are no bathrooms around

   My mother told me that when I was born I was so surprised that I didn't talk for a year an a half.

   Someone gave me a CD rack yesterday, which would have been an awesome gift if this was 1994.

   I'm having one of those 'wish I lived in Amsterdam' kinda days.

   One womans trash is...well, just trash! Women dont throw away things that have real value ;)

   I'd rather hear my parents describe how they have sex than hear a group of drunk chicks when their favorite song comes on.

   You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.