Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw a man in a dress, with a hearing aid, smoking a joint. One of those high deaf TVs.

   Life is precious and short. If you have time today, make sure to tell your enemies to f*ck off before they die and you're too late.

   sick of all this Osama Bin Laden news already - OK, he'd gone, great. What do I have to do to get a Charlie Sheen update?!!

   You really do need to quite teasing my with these pokes

   My watch died at 11:30pm last night... It was the most incredible night of my life. At 3:00am I was still thinking it was 11:30. I was like "OMG the night still so young!!!!!" And kept on drinking... Yeah, I got home at 11:30pm, good girl!

   The LA Dodgers are so broke, three players tested positive for Top Ramen

   Do you want to mourn Steve Jobs? - There's an app for that, only $4.99 for the first month.

   3/17/2011 - 3/20/11 RIP - My NCAA Tournament Bracket

   how about a game of "just the tip"??

   that a person who really loves you is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everoyone else still believes in the smile on your face

   Never recycle a past relationship. Because if it didn't work out before, what makes you think it would this time?

   Lindsay Lohan is so dumb that she wanted to move to Afghanistan......because she heard girls could get stoned there.

   . "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum."

   It's better to have a gun and not need it than to not have a gun and need it

   She's fat, I'm drunk, IT'S ON!

   I would kill the sexiest person on earth but suicide is a crime

   Shout out to all the KKK members who have a birthday in Black History month and a birthday on the same day as MLK.

   When one person suffers from delusion, it is called insanity.When many people suffer from delusion, it is called religion....

   I don't know what's more awkward, Answering Dora, Or sitting there in total silence while she stares at you..

   It's not embarrassing that you're still writing 2014 on your checks... What you should be ashamed of, is that you still write checks.