Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rest In Peace Dinosaurs!!! Can"t Believe it 65 million years already. Always in my thoughts.

   Beyonce made a song called "Single Ladies" then went home to her husband and left you lonely women dancing in a circle pretending to be happy.

   I'm not saying kill all stupid people. I'm saying remove all warning labels from everything. The problem should sort itself out.

   The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works 24 hours a day and 365 days a year from birth until you fall in love.

   Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....

   Don't be ashamed of who are you. That's your parents job.

   Someone said my clothes were gay. I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

   My wife got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook photos of me with my friends before we got married.

   How To Baby Proof Your House: Condoms are super-duper effective and highly recommended.

   Today is April Fool's Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. Just like any other day during this election year.

   Sorry coworkers, I can never attend Happy Hour with you because I'm too honest when I drink.

   No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.

   I really think that our Presidential Election is going to be decided by a "Yo Momma" competition on Comedy Central.

   Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.

   Being gay is ok. Being bisexual is ok. Being transgender is ok. Being straight is ok. Wearing crocs....no f*cking ok.

   Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall.

   People are so paranoid nowadays. They refuse to answer Knock-Knock jokes until I show some I.D.

   Maybe mama duck isn't leading her babies, maybe she's trying to outrun them.

   "How do you find anything in here?!" --My mugger, giving my purse back

   .... Something isn't wrong because it's Illegal ....... It's Illegal because it's Wrong!