Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to your 40s. You are no longer the target audience for anything cool.

   "Jesus Loves You" is a great thing to hear in Church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

   I'm as broke as a pick pocket in a nudist colony.

   Blonde girl tells her Blonde friend. I just f cked a " Brazilian " guy. She said " You Slut! How many is a Brazilian!?"

   If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diahrea,does that mean 1 enjoys it?

   The key to happiness is self-delusion. Try not to think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion.

   Attention Everyone: Hillbilly is really Re-run. Don't be fooled by Hillbilly's lies.

   If protesting for social justice was good for business, THEN...Kaepernick would have a job! The NFL will soon be in hospice care.

   I just checked on my Farmville after 3 years. It's now a Wal-mart

   A man in a bar sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He says to her, "nice legs." She says "you realy think so?" The man says "oh yeah, most tables would have collapsed by now."

   Y’all ever inhale a dog's fart and think “this is it, this is how I die.”

   I went to see a chiropractor. It was about a week back.

   Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, so who the hell are you?

   I accidentally changed my GPS voice to “Male”. Now it just says “it’s around here somewhere, just keep driving”.

   I think we have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?

   Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving...

   Women are strange creatures. My wife just told me that I needed to do some soul searching…..... so I Googled James Brown.

   Breaking news: Mail order brides from China are now up to 75% off!

   April Fools Day is a good day to confess your love to your crush. That way you can save face and say "April Fools!" if they reject you.

   I've got 2 tickets to paradise and it's closed due to Covid. FML