Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.

   Problem: Always get stuck next to obnoxious drunk guy on plane. Solution: Be obnoxious drunk guy on plane.

   you can add "Found and killed Bin Laden" to the list of things that have happened since the Cubs last won the World Series!!!

   Nothing funnier than a pissed off mall cop on a Segway. With those goofy helmets on, I just can't take them seriously.

   doing The Safety Dance while holding scissors. I'm such a rebel.

   The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

   thinks that if Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga had a baby, it would look like Chuky.

   thinks it's obvious that a guy created google...i'm feeling lucky?

   ust once I wanna see one of these food network hosts taste their dish they just made and freak out and say how horrible it tastes. Just once!

   thinks Christmas must be near. Just found a partridge in one of the pear trees on Farmtown

   It's not the minutes that we spend sitting at the table that puts on weight. It's the seconds.

   No unwilling people were harmed during the making of this status. Viewer discretion is advised

   begining to think Facebook has Body dysmorphic disorder, seriously enough with the changes!!! We liked you the way you were!!!

   Who told you, you were special? The lady driving that little bus?

   ˙sƃuıɥʇ uo ǝʌıʇɔǝdsɹǝd ɹǝɥ ƃuıƃuɐɥɔ sı

   Leadership: The art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.

   I'm going back to traffic school to get my Masters.

   I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

   with all the engineers trying to stop the leak in the gulf, has anyone tried to contact someone with some basic plumbing skills???

   HATES that the Gulf of Mexico has been BPeed on.