Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With all the transgender BS going on. I am worried about claiming to be a man. I'm confused. . .

   So if we defund the police and someone breaks into my house, do I just call the coroner directly or what?

   Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours? Me: The babysitter

   Gonna miss my Obamaphone when He's gone .... But looking forward to my new Hillaryphone upgrade with the new Self Deleting Email, Welfare Check tracking & Get outta Jail Free features. She has thought of everything that us successful Millennials need!!

   Melania Trump may have copied Michelle's speech but at least she ain't no man trying to act like a woman.

   ... So Hillary invites the father of the Orlando Gay Nightclub murderer to sit behind her at her rally! Heck ... least she could have done is asked him to wear shades to hide his identity. Hmm REALLY BEGINNING TO QUESTION HER Ability to represent America

   “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” ― George Carlin

   Single guy "I can't do anything right." Married guy "I can't do anything, right?"

   Headed over to this "Toys for Tots" thing today...so how many tots do I have to trade in for a PS4 or an Xbox One?

   Tom Brady's balls are under more scrutiny than Ray Rice's fist ever was.

   Thank GOD everyone agrees on what color traffic lights are!

   The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn

   She is called a Bronze digger: when she has low standards.

   the NY Giants should mentor Ray Rice they wont be beating anyone this season

   Where is Capt HUG A THUG when you need him aka Rev Al Not to sharpton

   Britney Spears is set to make $19 million from her latest gigs in Las Vegas. Officially, this makes her the highest paid mime artist of all time.

   I taught my neighbors kid how to trick or treat online, hopefully she puts her mothers credit card back!

   The winner of the Scripps National Spelling Bee is awarded an engraved trophy... The loser is given an ingraived plack.

   Used to work at a funeral home, and whenever I called out sick I always felt like I was leading them on.

   We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can't eat it or play with it, pee on it and walk away