Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I start to forget things in old age, I hope it’s the Kardashians and Hot Tub Time Machine 2, not my address or where to pee.

   Sitting by the dock of the....OMG look how good my reflection looks in the water.

   Dear U.S. Representatives. Next time, instead of a "sit in", threaten a "SH*T IN". Let's see how they like them apples.

   Some Warning Labels are a little stupid, like on my Deodorant it says, "Avoid Contact with Eyes"....TOO LATE, I've already seen it!!!

   The United Kingdom will exit the European Union and have agreed to start seeing other countries, like the United States.

   "That guy in the salmon colored shorts is getting laid tonight." -Said no woman ever

   When Attorney General Loretta Lynch was testifying in court about her secret meeting with Hillary's husband, I was struck by the irony of the fact that she was appointed Attorney General to arrest people like Loretta Lynch.

   I must have an amazing Butt because every time I walk away from someone they say ... "What an ass."

   If you watch "My Cousin Vinny" 12 times in a calendar year, you receive a law degree from the University of Phoenix.

   I've spotted six Pokémon today but I don't have the game so I may need new meds...

   I'd imagine Ryan Lochte's next move will be the backstroke.

   my boss told me today if their was an award for laziness I would win it,i told him "if I do win it I'm gonna need you to go accept it on my behalf.

   We don't know if Mary ever made Jesus turn her water into wine because there wasn't social media back then for Moms to talk about wine on.

   I'm playing fast and loose with milk expiration dates. This day could go anywhere.

   Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little boy blue and the man in the moon, When you coming home, Son?!?! When you stop talking crazy, Dad.

   Donald Trump says he didn't discuss Mexico paying for the wall with President Nieto because he thought he was the janitor.

   Gameshow Fact: Every time a girl buys "a D",,, Pat hip-thrusts off camera.

   Props to all the women who don't have to dress like a slut to get attention from men, stay classy... The rest of you come with me...

   Despite always being pictured as old men most "Founding Fathers" were actually young men during their historic roles in 1776. Alexander Hamilton was 21, Madison was 25, James Monroe was 18, and Thomas Jefferson was 33!!!

   Hey Moms and Dads! Here's a fun game to play: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, "YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!"