Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

   Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.” Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

   If we don't stop socializing to slow the Coronavirus we need to start thinking about what kind of world will leave behind for Keith Richards.

   "How about a scarf?" - Johnny Depp's stylist every day!

   When I was young I could climb mountains. Now, I have to steady myself to fart.

   If you’re approaching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.

   Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you! Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

   I didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we're okay...

   I used to wonder why scuba divers fell backwards into the water. Then I realized if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat

   This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

   Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard. So, just me? Okay.

   I’m just glad election week is over ...

   GI joe is short for gastrointestinal joseph.

   Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal? Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

   I went to marriage counseling once. I spent $7,000 to have two women call me an arsshole.

   My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

   My wife asked me to put up a canopy with bright lights. I told her now is the winter of our disco tent.

   Amen; The wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her.... Probably should have specified "with me"

   Women say they want security. At least that's what the scream when I come near them.

   Please let's keep it private on Valentine's day this year with the "I'm so in love!" posts, as some of us are single here.