Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Do people that go outside know they could die and stuff?

   I'm starting to realize that in order to have a successful 0rgy, other people must be present

   People using "obtuse" in a sentence think they're smart by using a $.10 word. Really, they only know it because Shawshank is on TV weekly

   I'm not drunk, I just feel better.

   Just noticed that the disclaimer at the beginning of Shark Tank says the Sharks are not really sharks, they are people.

   Calling all my ex girlfriends today to tell them I have herpes. I don't really have it, I just don't want any of them to sleep with other people.

   The best thing about Africa is that you never get Facebook updates about what people are eating.

   is wondering why people ask tall people if they play basket ball but not ask short people if they work for willy wonka

   People who make me do a slight jog because they hold the door open for me when I'm 15 feet away are the first to die when I become God.

   The President's approval ratings are so low that the people in Kenya are now accusing him of being born in the United States !!!

   The problem isn’t government assistance for people who need it. The problem is government assistance for people just because they can get it.

   The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves,"You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

   looking for people to go into the future with me. You'll get paid after we get back; we will be fighting legions upon legions of super intelligent apes. Must bring your own weapons, safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once. Bring bananas!

   sometimes, you forgive people simply because you still want them in your life.

   Just ONE Saturday night I'd like to go without drunk-dialing Barbara Walters.

   I got pulled over the other day for weaving. I can't even f*cking sew, let alone weave, especially when I'm that drunk.

   President #42 was proven to be a Liar when he lied under Oath. President #45 who just happens to be the wife ofPresident #42 ..... Will be entering office as a Known and proven Liar Apparently people don't consider lying as a character flaw anymore.

   Gun free zones do not stop shooters so what makes you think a bathroom sign will stop a sexual predator... Common sense people...

   What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ''K'' instead of ''Okay''?

   Leonardo DiCaprio cheering Orlando Bloom on as he was trying to punch Justin Bieber in the face is reason enough for me to like two of the three people named here.