Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

   Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

   You're trying to get me drunk aren't you? Me to myself

   I'm reading the Cheesecake Factory menu.. please don't tell me how it ends.

   I learned two things today. when you swallow a watermelon seed, they don't digest, but they do float.

   Wedding photographer's slogan: Take a picture of your marriage. It will last longer.

   If your house doesn't have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.

   Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

   Wife: I swear, it's like you never even listen to me!!! Me: Sounds great, Dear.

   Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my— Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine…one, three, five, seven, nine.” I thought to myself, “How odd.”

   Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport. They have a budget of $430,000...

   Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined Me: no

   I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don't get blown away.

   Diet Journal, day 99: Going well. Lost 4 lbs already and the neighbor's daschunds are looking less like chocolate eclairs...

   I did a little studying on Einstein's theory of relativity. I discovered that I am not related to him. . .

   Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn't even have a cape.

   *God creating dogs,, GOD: These will be great companions for people... ANGEL: An excellent creation sir... GOD: But better than people.. Just, WAY better... esp. during election season

   Childhood is just the ‘free trial’ edition of life. When it ends, you have to pay for the full version or else you’ll lose everything.

   I hope that wherever my missing socks end up, they're happy. That's what really matters.