Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trump loses almost $1 Billion in the 90's and follows the relevant Tax Laws ..... The Nation is Outraged!! .... Hillary can't account for $6 Billion in missing State Department funds during her Tenure as Secretary of State ..... Meh

   Saw a fat girl buying a rape whistle today. You gotta admire her optimism.

   So the US Supreme court has ruled that you have the right under the First Amendment to protest military Funerals....I invite you to Start your protest in my front yard and we can see if your first amendment is better than my Second Amendment...

   looking at you naked (mood: disappointed)

   I'm thankful that baby teeth are the only things that kids lose while growing up. Imagine the trauma of a nose falling off. Or a leg. "Why's your daughter hopping around like that?" "Oh, she just lost her baby leg last night."

   "I wasn't that Drunk.." "Dude, you threw a bird at the police and screamed go angry bird kill those pigs!"

   Buying water at baseball games is ridiculous! $5 for water?!?! If I wanted to pay $5 for water, I would buy Miller Lite.

   If I had a penny for every time you made me feel worthless; I'd be worth something by now.

   Oh for the love of Jesus please stop rep0sting this "If you want to remember you borrow money from them" sh!t. We have already seen it here ten times this week alone.

   If size doesn't matter, how come my ex's vibrator wasn't three inches long and crooked?

   All I want for Christmas is for her let me stuff her stocking with my holiday joy.

   I bet Martin Luther King hit the snooze button like 40 times to try & get back to his awesome dream.

   Its a disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jeans fad.

   I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.

   I hate when I'm sitting on bleachers and Half my nutsack falls asleep!WTF

   Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I'm not crazy for God's taste in music.

   I wonder what my dogs named me?

   (•)(•)(•) Total Recall

   What's next TLC...a little person that's a 600 pound tattooed Gypsy Polygamist woman wearing the wrong clothes with a family of 63 kids risking it all to return to the Amish hording ex husband and 6 ex wives to eat cakes like a boss and buy houses naked

   Found a grey pubic hair today. I didn’t freak out too much but the others in the elevator looked terrified.