Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cop: Sir,do I have your permission to search your vehicle ? Me: If I say no,will you bring the K-9 unit out ? Cop: Yes ! Me: Can I pet the dog ?

   I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

   Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school? Me: no Therapist: no come on, they must have

   The scariest words a man can ever hear from a woman are "Notice anything different?"

   All the pigeons be like where the eff is everyone??

   My body absorbed so much hand sanitizer that when I pee it cleans the toilet...

   Pineapple on pizza is as appealing as pepperoni on pineapple upside-down cake.

   Sir Roger Moore has died aged 89. His family are said to be shaken but not stirred.

   Pray for your enemies. Nothing annoys them more than that.

   Why do people share "Lost Dog" posts on FB? Most dogs aren't even on FB.

   let a blind guy borrow money tonight,he said he'll pay me back next time he see's me...wait a minute......

   I'm always the first one to say "I love you" in a gangbang.

   Why does lemonade contain artificial flavors but furniture polish contains real lemons?

   If you’re careful, you can eat an entire rack of ribs while taking a shower.

   Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

   To whom it may concern, If you are reading this, that means there’s nothing you can do about it now.

   not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

   i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

   My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to put it in its place. So, I looked at it and said, Don’t forget that you’re only a towel, and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

   My wife gives me the speaking treatment.