Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Hey, people who start stories with, "You're not gonna believe this!" Calm down. We'll probably believe it.

   My biggest fear is getting stuck in a soundproof glass box. Not because I'd suffocate, but because people might think I'm a mime

   I am giving up a few negative people for lent. So, if you call,text,tweet or email and I don't get to back to you?? Odds are it was you.

   Sometimes I think I was put on this earth as god's way to punish some people.

   why don't people do a "taser challenge" next & see what its like for epileptic people to suddenly have your arms & legs moving around uncontrollably?

   On a scale of Gary Busey to Charlie Sheen, I'm David Hasselhoff drunk right now.

   Trump is already working wonders, all these people marching = Exercise and aiding weight loss. = Positive

   I make, picking up my dry cleaning, look like a drug deal. That way people always wonder what I am laundering!

   I'm terrible with people's names. For example: I've known this guy Steve for years and just realized her name is actually Stacy.

   that awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.

   Aaa the economy. The only people doing good is some black guy, his wife, two daughters.. and they live in a big white house they don't belong in. . .

   People want a RELATIONSHIP, but always find themselves in a RELATIONSH!T.......Which one are you in?

   You know its going to be a bad week when skinny dipping while drunk at a holy site isn't your party's biggest scandal.

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick

   People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards.

   Most atheists aren't angry about the various religions. They're angry about the dangerous people who misinterpret these religions.

   Double dates are fun and games til you're too drunk to remember which girl is yours.

   I'll start to believe video games cause people to be violent when I see someone get arrested for killing a pig by slingshotting a bird at it.

   if only 3 people live in my house... why is there 7 toothbrushes?

   The FBI keeps insisting that the greatest threat to America is "Right Wing Extremist Groups." In the mean time people & cops are being murdered across the nation by anything other than that. Beginning to think the biggest threat is those FBI warnings.