Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Well at least before the coronavirus I got in plenty of practice socially distancing myself thanks to facebook. 
me: [yawning] might get dressed today coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
When quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.When quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
My female doctor told me I'm really sweet. Well, she actually said I am severely diabetic but I knew what she meant.
While I was at the hospital , I noticed I parked in the "C" section of their parking lot..... So, of course, I climbed out of the sunroof !
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I have come to the realization that I have a problem with alcohol. I don't get nearly enough of it.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
When 50 cent got hungry... 58
“I put on panties cause there was a spider on the deck and I don’t know where it went.” and other morning texts.
Thought I had a Political Update: "But alas"' it ended up being gas
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand that includes a threat of vandalism.
Wish someone would have told me that the Heimlich Maneuver is for choking victims, not sexual partners.
Make baseball more interesting: Divide the nation with hateful rhetoric.
Gosh I'm so glad Bono was named woman of the year. White men are hardly ever given favor over their completely qualified female competitors. 