Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *at a fancy restaurant.. . Ummm,, yes, what color wines do you have

   I don't care what you say. Arbor Day and Christmas are cousins.

   I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.

   YouTube: Domestically educating the public since 2005

   ..... The only thing deflated at this year's Superb owl was the Falcons.

   Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.

   My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I'm checking his room for drugs

   No matter how low I lower the bar of expectation, some people manage to roll right under it.

   Have you ever noticed that when a woman says "I'll be ready in 5 minutes." it's the same length of time as when a man says "I'll be home in 5 minutes?"

   They say that ignorance is bliss but I find it rather disturbing.

   I'm tired of being the giver in all my relationships and I am going to turn that around starting today. So, what are you going to do for me, Klondike Bar?

   My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

   This Cinco de Mayo, let's party like Mexican rock stars if they existed.

   How many SJWs does it take to screw a light bulb? A: One. They hold it in place and expect the world to revolve around them.

   Using "amazeballs" in a status is the best way to let everyone know you dropped out of cosmetology school

   We all name our dogs....But.... Wonder what they call us .....

   Watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes. And thougt how easily their entertained. Then realized, I just watched my cat play with a ball of yarn for 5 minutes.

   .....And then it occurred to me, maybe I'M the one with the weird looking nipples.

   :) Why is a hot water heater, called a hot water heater ? Who needs to heat hot water?:D

   I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. I don't have time for those meetings.