Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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freezing my eggs so I can chuck em at his house later 
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
My boyfriend does this completely insane thing where sometimes, when I ask him to take a photo of me, he takes exactly ONE photo
The main difference between a Nudist and a Streaker is the type of blur your local TV News channel uses of the incident.
True love means being with someone want to see you get ahead in life by waiting until February 15th to get their flowers in candy at 50% off.
Wouldn't it be awesome if the snow relief package people threw rolls of paper towels at us?
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
If parents are homeschooling does the family album become the yearbook?
My minds wanders a lot. Fortunately, it's too weak to go very far.
They are driven to do what they do and no new law will stop them.
It's cool that both Twitter and Games of Thrones are all about 140 characters.
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Recipes are like a dating service. They never end up looking like the picture.
YEAH!!!!! FIRST DAY OF SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE!!!!! when do the kids go back to school??
Contrary to rumors, a full moon before the summer solstice is not bad news. Unless you're a werewolf who likes to go to the beach.
My Dad gave me a set of golf clubs. Hope someone tries to break into my house pretty soon so I can try them out.
me: Waiter, we're in a hurry. Will those hot dogs be long? Waiter: about a foot sir. me: (heavy sigh)
If robots take over, I feel pretty good about my chance of survival. Most of them seem to really like my tweets.
Googling to find out what you just voted for....should be the last resort. 