Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today concerns where raised when a glory hole was found in a public toilet. Immediately the Police were called and they are now looking into it.

   North Korea only has 28 websites. Even worse, the list includes MySpace & 27 Kim Jong-un fan pages.

   Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin....no matter how epic it is.

   Only recently found out that those fold out tables in the men's restrooms are for changing babies and not for napping.

   Kim Kardashian blames herself for Paris robbery. No word yet on if she takes responsibility for the downfall of Western society.

   Cured meats taste better than meats that are still sick.

   For Halloween I'm going to be emotionally stable, no one's gonna know its me.

   I know what I am going to be for Halloween, I'm going to be drunk. . .

   If anyone over tells you your dreams are silly, remember there's a millionaire walking around who invented the pool noodle.

   I want to reincarnated as a seagull that flies around theme parks, stealing churros that are absentmindedly being held by toddlers.

   Recently learned that it's impossible to make eye contact with a hotel maid while giving her used hand towels.

   I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.

   I wonder if Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

   Sushi's just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

   Fyi: Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm gonna need that back.

   Cinnamon is just sawdust with good PR.

   Broke up with my gingerbread girlfriend. She was nice, but she got too kneady.

   Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment. Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job. Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

   Took my phone to the men's room once-didn't realize I was streaming live..

   When I die, please don’t do an autopsy. Whatever happened is fine.