Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once I ate a whole banana, skin and all. I found it quite unappeeling.

   if prison is "behind bars" , why don't people cal l the warden the "bar tender" ?

   I'll bet people with Tourette's make awful anatomy teachers!!

   Now if you will excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.

   Nothing says “I believe in you” more than when a waiter gives you a single napkin.

   Just ghosted a guy for the first time. What do you guys usually do with the body?

   I'm afraid if I start working out, I'll be too sexy.

   I really didn't need to know that Toad thing from Mario Kart.

   "Flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing. Boy did I learn that one the hard way.

   Lady, are you a Kardashian because I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

   If you run out of money at the fair, remember you can eat as much mustard & ketchup as you want for free.

   I'm that type of a guy who puts a song on repeat until the artist begs for water

   Men, if you are birthday shopping on a budget you can buy your wife two roses from a florist or a whole rotisserie chicken from sams.....just saying.

   When I'm not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.

   Fact: “Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

   2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.

   I don't get the lowest common denominator mentality of FB groups. Someone posts something thought provoking and gets no attention. Someone else posts "What's better, a Whopper or a Big Mac?" and they ago berzerk answering.

   When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

   Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

   I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise