Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   My last words on death row will be "Can we just get this over with? There are people I have to come back and haunt."

   People have 2 modes on facebook: pity prowling or overly offended by nothing

   My stages of drunk: 1. No way 2. Yes way 3. Three way

   Wanna know about people you don't need in you life? Post something with a misspelling and see how fast they "must" correct you

   Whenever I go running, I meet exciting new people....like paramedics.

   People who say "May the 4th be with you" are the same people who say "see you next year" at the employee Christmas party.

   Flexible people are lucky, when they feel a lack of praise, they can bend over and kiss their own asses :P

   I bet the people that are posting all the funny new Super Bowl Ads days before the game are the same people that post info about a new movie they just saw. Thus spoiling it for the rest of us.

   People who constantly think their spouse is always cheating on them..Should just stay single and miserable forever.

   Starting a dating site for people who just want someone to take a walk with after a big meal.

   People who say "think outside the box" should be forbidden from ever judging other people's creativity.

   2 out of 10 people at Starbuck's today said, "Thank you," when they were handed their coffee like basic human decency is so fuckin' hard.

   Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam....

   hey didn't Bernie wright a fantasy essay in 1972 fantasizing about raping people? .... Naw .... Dems don't do stuff like that

   There is no doubt in my mind that if people could vote from their couch at home on their X-box or PlayStation, Hillary would win in a landslide.

   You are going to die, there’s no question about it. The question is, are you going to live. Because, half of the people in this world are not living.

   $1.4Bil stimulus sent to people who have died when there are folks still waiting for their 1st check? who cashing em?

   When people say "Are you ready for Christmas?" I say "I'm ready for it to be over.

   People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

   Coming out can be hard as people don't understand our way of life and can be very close minded, but I feel in this day and age I can no longer be afraid to say I love Disco!