Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   CORONA VIRUS TIP: If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

   [Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt] Recipe: First, finely chop— Me: I’m out.

   Mandatory face mask when I was a teen... I might have got laid.

   if the horse track doesn't open soon, I'm going to lose the only math I remember

   Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?” Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”

   The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

   People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

   A mom getting a minivan is like losing one's virginity. It hurts at first, but think of all the stuff they can fit in afterwards.

   Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

   You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, but you make 100% of the shots you don't miss.

   Be careful when a guy says "he loves you from the bottom of his heart",this may mean that "there is still enough space for another girl at the top"

   If yesterday was "May the Fourth Be With You" is tomorrow "Revenge of the Sixth"?

   If God loves us why do we have ear hair

   Good news is when your daughter pays back the $3000 she owes you. Bad news is when she gives it to you in singles that smell like whiskey & cigarettes.

   How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?

   My thesaurus can beat up your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

   "Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.

   Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow's ass

   I was just cursing the bag boy at the grocery store for leaving out my Reece's cups and then I remembered I used self-checkout.

   Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego.