Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Most of the time, people don't need to be fixed, they simply need to be understood.

   First 5 people to like this shall receive a hand crafted statue of me wrestling an invisible bear.

   Dear people who spell shop 'shoppe', please stoppe.

   I guess Amish people have to just yell out their status updates... so sad.

   If I ever get a really exotic car I'm going to get a vanity plate that says something like "Bubble King" or "Tuna Money" so people could wonder what the hell I ever did with bubbles or tuna to finance a car like that

   Are you one of those people that get butt hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your ass off of Facebook.

   Well, I'm off to check out the Perseid Meteor Shower...Oh, who am I kidding? I'm gonna get drunk, fall over backwards and try to see Uranus.

   So there's a t.v. show called, It's Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted

   Pat and Vanna were drunk at the wheel

   With the larger amount of stupid people I get to deal with on a daily basis, I thought lobotomies came back in style .

   One in two people suffer from chronic suspicion. Could it be the person you're with RIGHT NOW??

   I'm wearing one of those Chippendale bowties to make people wonder if my clothes are breakaway.

   dont drink n park..accidents cause people!!!

   I hate when people tell you their life story against your will. I think it's a form of low level rape.

   Jehovah's Witness don't celebrate halloween. I guess they don't like random people coming up to their door.

   people will damn believe anything if you whisper it.

   I can't stand homeless people. I don't feel bad about saying it. I don't mind saying it because I give homeless people money. I give them more money than I should, so I feel, as a paying customer, I have a right to complain.

   When a person gets a dui and kills people we blame the person.. when a person blows up a building we blame that person.. when there is a mass shooting we blame the gun lmao

   two people away from a threesome

   If the U.S. decides to strike Syria because they used chemical weapons on their own people, I suggest we launch a few Patriot missles on Monsanto for doing the same thing to us.