Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.

   I hate when people say "I'm 24 and still eat mac n cheese"....Homie, there is no age limit to enjoy some quality elbow macaroni and fake powder cheese.

   Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button.

   Shout out to all the older siblings....who were used as the tester kids and now watch their younger siblings get away with stuff that they would have been killed for.

   Life should be more like ice hockey. When someone ticks you off, you can beat the living daylights out of them then sit in the Penalty Box for 5 minutes.

   If you "like" this status, someone you hate will step on a lego.

   Give a girl an inch and she'll want the other 6 too

   When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? asking for a friend

   Beginning to think my dog will never accept my leg 'just wants to be friends.'

   I'm getting so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at the mortuary and "You're doing your job", do it at home and you're "destroying evidence".

   Watching Home Alone 3 and wondering what's taking children's services so long?

   Nearly wrecked my car trying to save my tacos from falling. Before you question my priorities let me point out, there was sour cream on them.

   .... The Older I get the meaner I get .... I'm pretty sure within the next few years I'll be biting people.

   "Nipping it in the bud" sounds way more fun than it actually is.

   Well well well if it isn't the bills I keep throwing away.

   Will Seth Meyers continue to be on television now that the Clinton 2016 team is dissolving?

   'When we were kids, we didn't have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren't there, we would get stoned like normal people.'

   Oh and BTW, ,, Why haven't Pig Pen's parents been visited by child services yet?

   It's a good thing I'm not in charge of a vote #recount . I'd charge five million bucks, wait a week, and say "We're done. It's the same as the first time."

   Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only.