Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The sexual tension between me and this woman is so high that she's using codes like 'can I take your order?'

   A famous rapper got high and did something stupid? Well now I've seen everything.

   I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

   shhhh.. i'm waiting behind the door. gonna blindside monday with a swift kick in nuggets.

   Friend: "What should be engraved on the inside of my husband-to-be's wedding ring? I want something that has meaning and will remind him of me." Me:"PUT IT BACK ON!"

   I'm sane with you, I'm just not insane with you.

   My theory is that Twilight was seen by only ten people who each watched it four million times.

   There’s nothing more annoying than having a song stuck in your head that you don’t know all the words to.

   You send me endless invites to play games here on Facebook but didn't send me an invite to your party...

   I'll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers

   There should be a "I've seen enough" button.

   This weekend feels like its going to be a "safe-word free" type of weekend.

   It might be Friday ...... BUT.... SUNDAYS COMING!!!!

   Phone case designs are the perfect way of measuring someone's maturity level.

   When I was a kid my nightmares usually involved me going to school in my underwear. Now, they involve me going to the bathroom with out my phone.

   I hate when women reject me cause I don't have money. I want them to reject me for who I truly am

   i live in a land of fantasy so keep your reality the hell away from me.

   The early bird needs a punch in the throat.

   Karen on Facebook says she's… "Grabbing 2013 by the b*lls!" Karen's been a total slut since the divorce.

   Which came first, tired or cranky?!