Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When it comes to self-absorption, you’re like a sponge.

   Introduce yourself with a famous last name on the first day of any new job. Go quiet when asked if you're related to a celebrity so they'll be nice to you.

   1) Scroll to the bottom of your Facebook page. 2) On the bottom left corner, click English: US. 3) When the language selection appears, click English: Pirate. 4) watch what happens.

   having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think ive remembered this before.

   Judge me all you want... just keep the verdict to yourself

   just created a facebook page for my right hand so I can tell the world I'm in a relationship with it

   knows Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words...

   Why are Gay people so sensitive? If you can take a d*ck, surely you can take a joke..

   White girls get pregnant and get their own season of 16 and Pregnant but when Black girls get pregnant they get 30 minutes of Maury.

   Am I the only one who calculates how many hours sleep I can get before I go to sleep?!

   congrats to obama's teleprompter on its best supporting win at the oscars last night

   What does the nfl and brokeback mountain have in common? Cowboys that suck

   playing marco polo with random people

   well America looks like you can kill little girls and get away with it these days...Who wants to track down Bieber with me?

   If your boyfriend can't bench press you then you have a girlfriend.

   Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..

   .i. love \i/

   :I think I'm going to start calling other white guys "my Cracker" And get angry when black guys say it... No?

   I wanna go to Africa to see where rappers come from.

   "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer: "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."