Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [costume party] friend: you're late me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

   Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

   If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

   I don't understand people who update their status every 10 minutes to show their friends how exciting their life's are, which are probably not as exciting as they claim if they're staring at Facebook all the time.

   I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

   It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

   If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

   Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

   mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe? optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

   I want Pizza not your opinion

   Don’t forget to ridicule, crush, and then kill what you don’t understand today.

   Tide pods are just cleaning up the people that should have been stains in the first place.

   When a Woman tells you "you're so cute" instead of "You're Hot," it means you are Not all that and you can just get entry to Friend zone

   If you comment or click like on a picture which was posted a year ago, you are a stalker

   I'm selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.

   Nothing like watching the FB movies and seeing the highlights of" most liked posts" of your fiance' with other girlfriends

   I am going to call KFC to make a reservation for Valentine's Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the staff answering the phone

   You know you've been working too hard when you keep dialing a 9 while making a call from your home phone.

   A reminder on one of my dating profiles says "You should be more popular!" I agree.

   So have they made a drink called "Tequila Mockingbird" yet? What the hell are they waiting for?