Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

   At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

   I simply haven't seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.

   Im so good at procrastinating I always have something to look forward to!....

   To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

   It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home.

   Just curious, does the room spin in the opposite direction when you drink too much in South Africa?

   Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.

   Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.

   No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me

   Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave Popcorn manufacturers: you touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

   Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here. Me: Thank you. Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

   I’ll rise, but I won’t shine.

   Somebody needs to starts a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.

   That strange moment when you're telling a story, and people think it's a joke.

   Be yourself! Everyone else is already taken.

   Planting some shrubs today and they're all leaning to one side, either I was drunk when I planted them or I planted them too close to the weed.

   The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

   Tech support just asked my grandpa what kind of phone he has & he seriously said "kind of grayish"

   No. Skinny girls shouldn't be in charge of the office thermostat. You need a middle-aged woman with hot flashes named Brenda on the dial.