Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife bought that Pepperidge Farm bread so I guess this is what it feels like to have disposable income.

   I'm watching a friend's kid eat Cheerios one by one off a highchair tray while staring into space, and I want to ask how she got this job.

   I saw the best minds of my generation getting, like, really mad on the internet.

   I'm terrible at confrontation, so I get rid of phone solicitors the only way I know how: inviting them to my destination wedding.

   We are on the verge of cloning people but can't figure out how to harvest pumpkins year round for pumpkin spice.

   My wife is so high-maintenance that even the bags under her eyes are Prada.

   The NFL is becoming about American as beating a pinata

   The "journalists" who tell you to distrust all the polls are 100% fine with you being blindsided on election day.

   Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number, I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

   I just yelled "Yo Joey" at the Springsteen concert in New Jersey and 2/3rds of the crowd turned around.

   Taylor Swift & Tom Hiddleston split. What?!?! No one saw this coming except her label which began cover art for her new album the night they kissed.

   The biggest problem with getting my picture taken is anytime someone says "Cheese!" My immediate response is "Where!!"

   As it turns out Juggalos cannot juggle and now I'm wishing I hadn't invited so many over.

   I wanted to join the Army. The sign said "Be all that you can be." They told me it wasn't enough.

   Did you know 4.8 billion people own mobile phones whereas only 4.2 billion own a toothbrush.

   My wife is not buying that autocorrect changed “You’re psychic” to “You’re psycho.”

   Next generation Monopoly pieces: -Croc. -Fedora. -Prius. -iPhone. -Starbucks cup. -A thimble because we've made very little progress in that area.

   If somebody doesn't text me back within 5 minutes I assume they don't love me or that they've died from loving me too much.

   People always ask why no one immediately moves out of a haunted house but it's like UGH moving suuuuuucks.

   When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole "vampire/not a vampire" question out of the way.