Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First Night Of Vacation: 3 kids woke up crying, 1 kid peed through her clothes, my wife threw up....so it's going better than last year.

   The Stages Of Eating Pizza: 1) I ate way too much. 2) This hurts. Why am I still eating? 3) One more bite & I’ll die. 4) Just 3 more slices....

   I'm 31 years old. I just walked into a telephone pole playing Pokemon Go. My life turned out pretty much exactly like I expected.

   Friendship Levels: BFF -- Would die for you! Friend -- Helps you move. Acquaintance -- Says hi. Facebook Friend -- Watches you fail from a distance.

   Sorry my toast at your wedding was just the surgeon generals warning with the word marriage replacing the word smoking.

   I have decided to stop paying my psychiatrist. I can post my problems on Facebook, and have all my friends help me for free!

   OMG I'm so happy! I finally won one of the 350 PS4's that were being given away. I also won one of Dodge Chargers that couldn't be sold and were being given away to random people, and my Dream RV is on its way all for pushing "like" and "share".

   Did you know Sharknado 4 is the most scientifically accurate movie ever made.

   Baskin Robbins spends $100 million a year to make you believe there are only 31 flavors.

   We all wish Bond movies should give out a more realistic view of how long it takes valet parking to fetch your car.

   Might not be a master of romance. But I do know ladies enjoy it when I sing Obsession by Animotion while I'm hiding in their closet.

   Always buy those nonprofit charity run tshirts from Goodwill so people will think I care about stuff.

   "Ladies we have no interest in how nice you dress or what your bodies look like, ..... We are only interested in your Brains" ......... Sincerely Yours .... Zombies

   If I'm ever found dead in the mountains with a pair of hiking sandals on my feet, know that I was murdered & made to wear some dork's shoes.

   Just lost 15 pounds which subsequently is how much my hopes and dreams weighed.

   The joys of a relationship include waiting for them to fall asleep so you can have some me time.

   I love the summer because I love how my ass and thighs form an irreparable bond with the car's scorching hot leather seat

   If you want to save money on a personal trainer, meet a girl who will break your heart.

   I'm living off PB&J's so I think I accomplished the whole "be forever young" thing.

   In the GPS, I typed "comedy career" as my destination and it took me to the nearest CoinStar.