Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Humans are strange. We have all the answers to our own problems. If only someone else would do it.

   Its true what they say about never meeting your heroes. Just ask anyone who's ever met me.

   It's cute how you tell people you're broke they think you mean financially and not emotionally.

   Overheard at the 7Eleven slurpee machines, all employees must immediately get a tetanus shot after using the bathroom.

   ..... Wonder what would happen if a Pokemon Go character accidentally appeared in the middle of a busy freeway?

   Should eat more fruit flavored things like blue raspberry slush. I've never even see a blue raspberry because they are very rare.

   If you have to go to a body of water to catch a water Pokemon, you should have to run into a burning building to catch a fire Pokemon.

   Did you know, the inventor of the headphones worked next to a guy who happily whistled all of the time.

   Pro Tip: Avoid conversations by sitting at the bottom of the pool.

   You're part of the problem if you post a click bait article on Facebook and don't give the ending forcing me to have to click it.

   Well aren't you just a fun little pretty lollipop triple dipped in psycho....

   The closest I get to reading a book is the synopsis of a movie I'm about to watch.

   I learned all I need to know about race relations from watching C.Thomas Howell's heart felt film Soul Man six times.

   A date so bad instead of just saying goodnight you both write Victim Impact Statements.

   Filter pics should come with a Disclaimer" Some objects may appear more beautiful than they realy are"

   You know after a glass of wine...or four...and you tell a friend you started a go fund me page for her kids mental issues..... Just trying to help...

   Me At Job Interview: "And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?"

   I want a man cave, but for women. Still stocked in video games, booze, license plates, and awesome stuff on the wall but with a scented candle.

   The first and last time that I went to Comic Con was when the guy at the costume store sold me a Catwoman costume telling me it was CatMan.

   Follow your dreams. Unless you're a serial killer who wants to work in a circus as a knife thrower. That's just wrong, bro.