Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel terrible, or, as I like to call it, "being alive."

   I can find your bathroom on my own but I'll ask you for directions anyway so you think I think you live in a mansion. I'm a giver.

   Not today, found a new serial killer documentary.

   I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

   " You know your life sucks when you have to have three jobs just to keep up to being poor."

   Some days I survive, other days I don't. It's no big deal either way.

   Well...to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

   Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.

   If we meet in public and you don't look like your pictures ,you owe me booze until you do.

   Life is an ever expanding list of things that you used to enjoy.

   The key to success is concentration, a skill which can be learned with - oh wow, that cloud looks like Snoopy!

   [first trip on a cruise liner] CAPTAIN: welcome! only rule here is: loose lips sink ships ME: {throws Mick Jagger overboard}

   Oregon Trail was the only game that made dying of dysentery hilarious.

   Don't make me fall in love with your aloof disregard for my existence

   My inner self is in Photoshop

   I really hate conflict........unless you guys like it,in that case I love it.

   NOAH didn't put spiders and insects on the ARK . They snuck in and hid like they do in your house..

   If you leave me a voicemail that asks me to call you back when I get this message,you have nobody to blame but yourself.save your breath send a text.lol😀

   Who called them "homo erectus" and not... Wait, that's actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them "homo erectus".

   rubix cube: the original fidget toy