Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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This Halloween, the only Candy I'm interested in swings from a pole and has daddy issues. 
The Cleveland Indians gave it up faster than an ovulating woman just released from house arrest.
Most of the time I feel like an intelligent person until that moment when I'm talking on my cell phone and suddenly panic because my cell phone isn't in my pocket.
They call cat people crazy but they're not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
America, we can't even put the grocery carts in the corral how the hell do we think we can elect the right person.
I've noticed that when you remove the vowels from "female" you get FML.
A grown man was wearing a Minions shirt that said "I'm here to annoy you." Mission accomplished.
A porno so low budget, all you hear is someone stirring Mac and cheese.
Annoy the Star Wars fan in your life by constantly referring to the force as "nerd magic."
When it comes to toilet water,, I don't think it's the taste that keeps my dog coming back.... Maybe It's the free refills
If someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
Tonight, on a very special episode of Friends, a black guy gets on screen somehow....
Whoever kept Mike and Molly on the air by continually watching it which allowed it to go into syndication,,, I hate you.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is my favorite movie that sounds like a bad Mexican orgy.
My family crest is a single rotisserie chicken.
In Gary Johnson's defense, its not easy keeping up with current events when you're stoned all the time.
Did you know, if you hold an empty bottle of Yellow Tail Chardonnay to your ear you can hear a soccer mom complaining that she didn't get her ranch dressing.
May your day be just a little bit brighter knowing that even Brad Pitt can get dumped.
No one wants to watch your Facebook live video from your crappy seats at a football game. 