Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Really feel bad for my neighbor.... He thought a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.

   The best things in life require no pants.

   Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.

   $300.00 to buy a ticket to see Rage Against the Machine makes me think that they now are the machine.

   Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.

   ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about "cover your pin" mf you the thief

   I’ve got your stimulus package right here.

   You think quarantine is boring? I just edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.

   Pretty wild how we used to eat cake after sum1 had blown on it..Good times

   Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

   Looking at people posts I think facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “What’s your problem today!?”

   Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

   So, how's that "I wouldn't live anywhere else" thing working out for you New Yorkers?

   I call bulls*** on killing someone with kindness... that "kindness" crap won't even maim someone.

   just because you're on vacation doesn't give you the right to take a picture of every cocktail or check in at every bar. That falls in the category of, "I could care less"

   a gift to AMERICA .....President's BIRTH certificate and Bin Laden's DEATH certificate!!

   hey did you guys hear? The Apprentice was interrupted by some special news report....

   So with all that news last week about the iPhone 4 tracking all kinds of stuff, makes me wonder....did Bin Laden have an iPhone 4?

   Somewhere, In An Afterlife, Sir Henry Cooper Is Beating Seven Shades  Out Of Osama Bin Laden :)

   I still say I heard someone talking from under that sheet when we tossed the body overboard, but whatever. Can't go back in time.