Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "China is beating us badly in every aspect. Even buidling the wall."

   So does Caitlyn Jenner get a half-day off? #Daywithoutwomen

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.

   I got kicked out of the threesome for singing “You’ve Got a Friend In Me.”

   Apple were considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well

   If Tu-Pac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at the Gap right now.

   If the paleo diet works so well, why did the Flintstones need vitamins?

   There are GOOD COPS and BAD COPS. It is time for more people to shout out the BAD cops and thank the GOOD cops.

   So Bayer is buying out Monsanto and will be retiring the infamous Monsanto name. Rest assured that going forward, industrial-strength agri-chemicals will be no more dangerous than Aspirin.

   Burger King is changing their name to Pancake King.

   Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if he knew his descendent would be a pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees you and your man bun.

   GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died! ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

   I bought a camo shirt the other day and now I can't find the damn thing...

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   You've probably already heard that Mr. Peanut died. But, don't worry. He'll be back in a Jif.

   Really feel bad for my neighbor.... He thought a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.

   The best things in life require no pants.

   Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.

   $300.00 to buy a ticket to see Rage Against the Machine makes me think that they now are the machine.

   Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.