Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.

   I'm glad I live in Kentucky now. Cause when the Gov shuts down the liquor stores will still be open

   Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I bothknow I don't make enough money to have a drugproblem

   It's all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it's voodoo dolls and arson reports.

   I'd get a life, but it might get in the way of me reaching my potential on the internet.

   Taxticles: What the IRS comes for when you are out of arms and legs.

   Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!

   Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.

   Making popcorn for these Facebook movies.

   been here for some time now and agree, funny guy needs to go engineer some you know whats

   The main message women seemed to take away from Cinderella is it's okay to take your shoes off when you go out.

   Hey UNITED, my ex is flying from Atlanta to San Antonio, flight 2145 row 12, seat D. Do your thing

   Can anyone tell me the name of that Jennifer Anniston movie? You know, the one where she plays the quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?

   Never trust atoms. They make up everything

   My exercise program consists of following women at the store who are wearing tight yoga pants.

   I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.

   Shouldn't a female Pit Bull be called a Pit Cow?

   Congrats Khloe Kardashian! You're father was granted parole!

   Eclipse glasses for sale. Slightly used

   Sex so good you need the jaws of life to pry you apart.