Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone calls me fat, I don't get angry. I just turn the other chin.

   peer preasure wont work I will not try your the automatic friend frinder facebook

   So Lebron is going to take mental notes on everyone who's been taking shots at him this summer... I mean, if it was actual notes, with like a pen and paper, I might be scared! but since it's mental notes... nothing to worry about!

   I've started keeping two lists: "To do" and "Too late"

   I think, therefore we have nothing in common

   wants to get on the wagon, but the 15 vodkas are making it mildly difficult!

   Money can't buy happiness. But it can buy marshmallows, which are kinda the same thing.

   Great minds think alike. But dirty minds think the same.

   I need a hug. From your thighs.

   All flights to Colorado have been cancelled. The sky is just too foggy.

   Writing your girl a love poem is a little less special when she helps you spell some of the words.

   I'm sorry I slapped you but you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

   Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

   I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women

   North Korea is the snotty kid that no one liked and China is the babysitter that let him do what he wanted so she could fu*k her boyfriend.

   I was sure they'd name that baby King Ralph...

   I didn't get a chance to check instagram today....does anyone know if the sun set this evening?

   Anthony Weiner came up short.

   I spend more time hitting the damn snooze button than I do snoozing.

   If you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries... or the stain on your carpet ツ