Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

   60 Minutes would be a better show if they played that ticking noise the entire time.

   Spider: Why are you terrified by me? Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

   I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

   My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji.

   *Lying in hospital Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip

   Me: ready to visit grandma? Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying? Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

   My moods don't just swing - they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.

   I'm still not convinced that the lunchroom employees working on the Death Star deserved their fate.

   ..... Politicians ..... Proof that crime does pay! OK ... Throw in Lawyers too.

   A girl asked me if I wanted to go back to her place last night. She then proceeded to tell me she lived in a van with four roommates. That's New York City for yah!!!

   Reports say men who post selfies show pyschopathic tendencies. While women who post selfies just wanted to show everyone their "duck face".

   If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving but growls when you blow in his face, you need a breath mint.

   Not now. I'm busy on ebay. Making the most of my 'me' time.

   Ear hair is God’s way of telling you it’s time to buy a sports car.

   A new report found that Social Security made $6 billion in overpayments in 2015. Which explains how my grandma can afford spinning rims for her Rascal Scooter.

   People who go on to open a second Facebook account because you've reached your maximum number of friends, get a life!

   Summer Checklist: Pay extra for coffee with ice in it.

   The Kardashians have screwed more celebrities than a camera with no filter.

   Woke up this morning with a song in my heart. Sadly, that song was "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas".